This blog is based on an excerpt from my forthcoming book.
In the book, I have a chapter that talks about “What Happiness Isn’t”.
It may seem counterintuitive to start a book about happiness, by talking about what happiness ISN’T but there is method in my madness, I promise, so stick with me here.
I’ve started with some of the obvious – and yet most common – misconceptions about happiness and what creates it (or not, as the case may be).
Here, I’m sharing the ‘TOP 5’ from that list.
The way we look
This is probably one of those really obvious ones to kick us off…..and yet, it’s at the top of the list for a reason. We ALL (yes every single one of us) fall into the trap at some point of feeling insecure about how we look.
Whether it’s the shape, weight, size or some other aspect of the appearance of our body, we live in society that judges us on how we look, feeds us false and impossible images of ‘perfect’ to try – and fail – to live up to, and encourages us to feel ‘less than’ when we don’t achieve it.
Whether we want to or not (and whether we admit it or not) it’s highly likely that we never go through a day without being conscious, or self-conscious of how we look, generally or in certain situations.
Even just the thought process we go through in a morning to choose the outfit we’re going to wear that day, will be affected by a self-conscious aspect of what we’re doing and who we’re going to see that day – and therefore how we are going to be ‘judged’ for how we look.
I could write more about this (probably a whole separate book in fact, as it’s something I feel so passionately about) but I’m going to stop myself there for now…..
Needless to say, the point I’m making is that, thinking about, worrying about, being concerned with, and trying to change how we look, for fear of judgement by others, does not make us happy.
And the sooner we learn to ‘know’ that in a way that we start to let go of it, and stop letting it have control over us, our thoughts, our emotions and our wellbeing, the happier we will be.
The money we earn
Yep, another bit hitter straight in at number two on the list and, again, probably fairly obvious….falling into the trap of believing our happiness is linked to how much money we earn and, by association therefore, that the more we earn the happier we become. Nope! That’s just not true!
Money does not create happiness. Money certainly can’t buy happiness.
Again, as with ‘How we look’, the money we earn can be linked very closely to the societal expectations imposed on us that tells us we will be judged for how much we do, or don’t, earn.
Closely linked with this is also the work we do or the job title we have. People will judge us (consciously or subconsciously) when we tell them what we do for work and, by association, will estimate in their minds how much we earn doing what we do.
It’s easy to understand therefore that we can fall into the trap of believing that the money we earn is the key to happiness. That idea that if we keep striving to achieve the promotion, the job title, the amount of income, that we will find happiness and that our problems will go away.
Spoiler alert, the amount of money we earn does not dictate our levels of happiness. In fact, it’s been proven through research that problems don’t go away the more money we earn, they just change! The millionaire is no more guaranteed happiness and financial peace of mind, than the person living on the streets wondering where their next meal is coming from.
Again, the sooner we learn to let go of our belief that happiness is linked to the money we earn, the happier we will be.
How busy we are
Now, perhaps a slightly less obvious one next on the list.
We have become a society of people who seem to wear busy-ness as a badge of honour. Busy-ness has become a bit of a pandemic.
It seems that these days, it’s perfectly normal, when faced with the common greeting of “How are you?” that we reply with “I’m good thanks, BUSY, but good!”
We seem to think that we have to demonstrate that we’ve got it all going on. That we are accepting all that life throws at us and persevering regardless. And that busy-ness is somehow a sign of how well we’re doing, how much we are enjoying life, or how happy we are (you know, cos we’ve got it all going on!)
The reality is the opposite for most people. The reality is that (whether we admit it to the outside world or not) we have become a society of people who overdo it. We try to do it all, because we feel the pressure to do it all, and end up exhausting ourselves in the process. Burnout has become all too common.
The pressure to show the world we’ve got it all together and got it all under control, stops us from realising that we’re doing too much and from allowing ourselves to slow down and do less.
But, less is what we must do, if we are to create happiness for ourselves.
The stuff we own/buy
Very closely linked to the money we earn, the pressure to ‘keep up with the Jones’s’ has a huge impact on what and how much stuff we choose to own and buy.
We all know how this shows up; the societal pressure we all feel to have the nice house, the new car, the latest gadget, the branded clothing, the big holidays, and all the ‘stuff’ that we accumulate in our homes and in our lives that ‘prove’ (show off) how well we’re doing.
It’s suffocating.
All the adverts we see, whether online, in print, on billboards, on the tele, are constantly reminding us of all the things we haven’t got that we ‘should have’.
The pressure we feel to have, or do, what our family, friends, colleagues, peers have and do, is stifling.
And so, we give in to that pressure. We buy the stuff, we spend the money, the take out the loans and the credit cards. We increase our monthly commitments and we increase the debt we’re in. And it’s exhausting. It’s stressful. It’s never-ending. It’s certainly not making us happy.
Only when we learn to detach from the idea that our sense of happiness is connected to the stuff we own and/or buy, will we feel happier.
The relationship we are (or aren’t) in
Maybe the most emotive of all the top 5 in this list. We all believe – because we’re taught to believe – that our happiness depends on us being in a romantic relationship.
Even today, in the 21st century, we are all still brought up with the expectation that we MUST find a partner, and that our life should be dedicated to finding that partner, getting married, living together, having children together and living ‘happily ever after’.
The expectation that we all follow this ‘blueprint’ for relationships is nothing short of oppressive.
It follows us around wherever we go. Whatever stage we are at, we are constantly reminded of the next stage that’s expected of us;
“Have you found a good boyfriend/girlfriend yet?”
“When are you going to move in together?”
“When are you going to propose?”
“When are you getting married?”
“When are you going to have a baby?”
“When are you going to have another baby?”
It never ends.
We ask those questions without even thinking of the pressure it puts on people, and without regard for whether it is something they want or even can do.
We receive those questions from others and take it for granted that it is what we will do ourselves, often without stopping to question whether it really is what we want for ourselves.
It literally prevents us from actually figuring out what will truly make us happy.
The sooner we all realise that our happiness does not depend on someone else, or in finding the one special person that will ‘complete us’ (you are whole just as you are), the happier we will become.
So, that’s my Top 5!
Straight out of the blocks, the biggest hitters and most common misconceptions about happiness and what creates it (or not, as the case may be).
How did it feel reading those?
Do you recognise where perhaps you are letting those get in the way of your happiness?
What have you learned about yourself?
And what will you do differently now?
Karolyn 💜💛
